Grief & Letting Go
This summer I was called to help a young woman with the undoubtedly most difficult of all organizing projects…parting ways with her late husband’s belongings. Working through this process with her brought up so many thoughts, questions, and feelings as I reflected on her grief process and my own with the unexpected loss of my dad just 7 short years ago.
This topic is not one you often see discussed in the organizing world. Understandably so. It’s scary, it’s tragic to think about and it’s so.freaking.hard. But the truth is, it’s inevitable that each of us has or will have to bear the responsibility of parting with our loved one's belongings someday. So where do we even start?
I’m sharing our stories and my thoughts, as a professional organizer, but most importantly as a human in hopes it might help you or someone you know through their grieving process.
When is the right time?
When my client came to me, it had been three years since her husband passed unexpectedly. After the dust settled, she found the courage to box up most of his belongings around the house and place them in a storage container in her driveway. And there it sat for three years while she worked diligently to process her grief through therapy and grief groups. In working with clients processing grief and managing my own, a question I’ve often been asked is “How much time should this take? When is the right time to let go?” My answer is as long as it takes.
Grief doesn’t have a timeline. Whether we’re wading through the immediate aftershock or getting knocked down years later by a song on the radio, I believe we’re never truly done grieving our loved ones because we’re never done loving them. The readiness to part ways with their belongings is entirely personal to us and where we’re at in our journey.
For some, this may take months and for others, it may take years. What’s most important is that we do it at the time that feels right to us. If we are in a heightened emotional state and let go too fast, we may regret not giving ourselves or other loved ones the time and space to process and make decisions with a clear mind. If we hang on too long, we may become emotionally burdened by the physical belongings left behind to a point where it leaves us stuck in the past. For this reason, I strongly encourage seeking professional help from a therapist or grief counselor before making any big decisions on how to move forward with your loved one's possessions. Having a professional on your side to help you process your grief and help you decide when the time is right will be invaluable to helping you navigate this difficult task.
What’s the right way?
One thing is for certain, there isn’t a “right” way. Parting ways with our loved one’s possessions is an arduous task and it may require the involvement of others like friends or family which can add complexity. But there are a couple of things to consider…
What help is needed?
You may have wishes of your loved one to fulfill - like seeing that specific belongings go to certain people. You may also naturally feel inclined to pass specific things to people who played a role in your loved one’s life. In cases where you’ve acquired an entire household of goods, you may want to invite family and friends over to help and take home anything they’d like to keep. With large volumes of things, you may also consider hiring help like an estate sale company or a professional organizer to shepherd you through the process.
Whether you go through this process with the help of friends and family or enlist professional help, the key is surrounding yourself with people who are going to be supportive and help you move through the process as easily as possible. The task will already be difficult enough, be mindful of who can show up in a supportive and selfless manner to see you through it.
Towards the end of the project, my client said to me “You know, I’m so grateful I had you to work with through this. My husband’s family still has a really difficult time with these things and it’s been really helpful to have someone objective here to help me and give me the space to process my own emotions.”
Being beholden to other's emotions and opinions through a process like this can do more damage than good. While you want to be sensitive to everyone’s grief process, if you are the ultimate decision maker, then you can choose with whom and how the work gets done.
This being said, if you feel the calling to walk through it on your own, but you don’t want to BE alone, hiring help may be a great option for you. Someone who can show up with the skills and experience, while also being able to hold space for you can be invaluable. This is an incredibly intimate and personal experience, so taking the time to interview professionals and see who you connect with will be vital in having a good experience. If you have special requirements or needs, ensure you talk it through with whoever you’re considering hiring to make sure they can accommodate you.
What items should you keep?
There’s no rulebook telling us what items and how much of these possessions to keep. This act comes from the heart, not the head. However, I do encourage an honest review of what items truly hold value for you and will continue to add value to your life. Our loved ones would want us to honor them with intention and live freely, untethered by their lifetime of belongings which hold no value to us in the present.
Considering items that spark fond memories or were precious to you both is a great place to start. If you’re acquiring all of your loved one's belongings, it’s helpful to start letting go by releasing items that hold no sentimental value to you. In a time of grief, this can be extremely difficult to discern what matters, so again, going through this process when you’re ready will make all the difference.
If you find yourself hanging onto things that they cherished because you think you should too, this is an opportunity to check in with yourself. Nobody can take away the sense of connection and joy a memento can bring you, but holding onto items from a place of obligation can weigh on you down the road. Again, this is a personal process and you get to decide what matters most to you.
Lastly, it’s worth noting that the time it will take for you to review and make decisions will vary for everyone. This will depend on how much there is to review and also on how you feel moving through the process. This could take days, weeks, or months. There’s no timeline for how long it should take. Lean into your support system and take breaks as needed.
What do we do with what we keep?
At the risk of oversimplifying, this ultimately boils down to what we’ve decided to keep and why. We keep things because we long to preserve our loved one’s memory and hold them close. What better way to do that than to use or display their belongings with intention?
If you’re holding onto items like furniture or housewares, can you incorporate them into your home so that they can be put to good use? If you’re keeping books or media that are meaningful to you, can you add them to the bookshelf or give them a special spot in your office, bedroom, or living area? For photos, it might feel good to put them in albums, digitize and file them for easy access when you want to reflect, or pick out your most cherished photos and hang them.
If you’ve held onto mementos or keepsakes from their lifetime, a dedicated memory box stored lovingly in a safe place will give you the chance to reflect when you feel called to.
There may also be an opportunity to repurpose and use those belongings in a new way. When my dad passed unexpectedly, I was able to grab what I could carry home in my suitcase. I was immediately drawn to his weathered Carhartt t-shirts, fishing sweatshirts, and trucker hats because that’s just who he was. It was his uniform and it’s how I’ll always remember him.
He was the hardest worker I’ve ever known and worked tirelessly to provide for my family and care for the home that I grew up in. As I new homeowner, I understand that huge responsibility on a whole new level now and feel so much appreciation for his effort.
The shirts also smelled like him. In the aftershock, I was grasping for something to preserve his memory. It’s incredible how activated the senses become in a time of grief. The smell mattered so much to me.
But five years later, the shirts lost their smell and had been sitting untouched in my dresser drawer. And honestly, I needed the real estate for my clothes. My paternal grandmother passed away and my aunt connected me with a woman who turned clothes into quilts. I thought, “What a unique opportunity to transform their clothing into something useful.”
The quilt turned out more beautiful than I could have ever imagined and is now something lovingly bestowed and used by my family. And when I get to snuggle up on a cold day, I remember my dad and grandma fondly.
I share this in hopes it might inspire you to consider how you might be able to honor your loved ones and incorporate pieces of them into your home in a purposeful way.
Wrapping Up
My hope in sharing this article is that it provides a sense of guidance, comfort, and permission to move through this process in a way that feels right to you. Doing this work when you’re ready and with the right support system will ensure that you can move forward knowing that you made incredibly difficult decisions with care and intention. From my heart, I’m wishing you peace and ease on your journey to honoring your loved ones.
If you or someone you know could use support from a professional organizer, I recommend searching the National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professional’s directory located HERE.
